50 Cent is Going to Break the Bank

Now that I don’t have a job I start each day the same inspired way, with a heaping bowl of Golden Grahams and a solid block of music videos on MTV Jams (occasionally I mix in some MTV2 0r Cinnamon Toast Crunch to avoid getting stale). It’s my 27 year-old version of Good Morning America and I think if you jump back and forth between the two you’ll start to realize they aren’t that different.

With that in mind, I’m worried about 50 Cent and our nation’s ability to rebound economically. People have known for years, at least the smart ones, that the American economy is closely tied to 50 Cent’s own financial stability. This Nobel Prize winning idea, first presented by Paul Krugman in Geneva, is called the Curtis Jackson Mutual Dependency Theory. It shows that when 50 is rolling mad deep, making it rain on hoes and tipping waiters with loose blood diamonds, our country as a whole prospers. When 50 disappears for a while, like in say 2008-09, our shit hits the proverbial fan. That’s why I first saw he was back, I breathed a long, hearty, sigh of relief. Until I listened to his new track:

“Have a baby by me baby, be a millionaire.” It’s completely irresponsible. If verbal promises and agreements hold up in court, which they do, 50 Cent has just promised every woman he ever impregnates at least $1,000,000. Using a modest estimate of the number of girls 50 lays down per day, he’ll be broke in three weeks, which  means my chances of getting a job at some point in the future are slim. Effing 50 Cent.

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