Every year I make some meager resolution and every year I fail to complete it. The last few annual give-ups gave me a comfortable, warm-pajama feeling that I’m like everyone else. Then this year came along and after some thought I realized the real reason I’ve failed to complete past resolutions isn’t because I’m normal, but because I’m not.
My problem in the past hasn’t been an inability to follow-through on the mediocre, it’s been the fact that I’ve only come up with mediocre things to follow-through on. I’m not the kind of person who can get excited about organizing a bookcase or catching up on unwatched Empty Nest episodes. That’s why this year I came up with the following list of more ambitious and therefore more likely to be completed resolutions.
- Win some kind of major award – I’m not sure what the award would or should be for, but I should definitely try to win one.
- Play a professional sport professionally – I’m gunning for playing one snap in a Rudy-esque turn of events for an NFL squad but I’d settle for xistera stacker on a Malaysian Jai-Alai team.
- Frame some stuff – I’m not talking about unframed gig posters here (that would be a regular resolution for me), but frame stuff like houses, maybe even frame a factory that makes house frames.
- Write a screenplay that is awesome – I just finished writing my second unpublished novel last week. I need to revise it and try and get it published, but that doesn’t sound as cool as “write awesome screenplay”.
- Learn to fly – According to Tom Petty this is possible without wings. If he doesn’t get back to me I’ll just make one of these suits at home.
- Read every single book on this list then come up with a list of anecdotal ways to enter the fact that I’ve read every book on that list into casual conversation.
- Avoid getting a job for as long as possible – This isn’t really so much a resolution as it is a goal. I feel like resolutions have to have some kind of ending and this one, by design, would not.
- Make more lists of stuff – It’s fun and informative.
- Go to at least one ridiculous sporting event – I went to the World Series last year so I’m thinking either Super Bowl (I’m short on time) or ringside at Pacquiao vs Mayweather (if it happens).
- Learn to make a better fish taco – I feel like mine are mediocre, at best.