Now that I’ve been unemployed for a few months and I’m getting to know all the dog park regulars even though I have no dog and the Whole Foods check-out people even though I tend to just wander the grocery store aimlessly and buy nothing, I’m starting to consider looking for a job again. Here are the first seven ideas I’ve come up with.
Robber Baron – According to my 9th grade history class these guys had mustaches and made a ton of money. I have a mustache and would love to make a ton of money, plus I haven’t heard of anyone being called a “Robber Baron” since the late 1890’s, which means there’s an obvious void.
Cheesemonger – I’m afraid of pelicans so fishmonger is out, warmonger is available in sub-Saharan Africa but I like the seasons and I’d be a cheeseburger monger or ‘cheeseburglar’* but I’m not 100% Swiss which is one of the Cheeseburglar’s requirements for would-be apprentices.
B-Movie Star – Being a huge movie star would suck. You couldn’t go anywhere, you’d always wonder if people liked the ‘real’ you and you’d no longer enjoy simple things because they are stupid. Being a B-Movie Star, on the other hand, would rock. You’d get to be in movies and use all that kick-ass industry in-speak that makes people sound smart and not-annoying, plus you’d be recognized by just enough weirdoes to improve your self-esteem.
Zip-Line Instructor – I picked this because I’ve had dreams about zip-lines since I was a kid. I’ve actually thought about that a lot, like why I have zip-line dreams when other people have flying dreams? Does it mean I’m more free because I’m outside the atypical mold of dream-flight or does it mean I’m less free because I’m tethered to an impossibly long cord? Oh life.
Pirate – I used the word ‘swashbuckle’ in my linkedin profile for some reason and ever since I’ve been thinking about being a pirate. I wouldn’t want to be the Captain because of all the pressures and mutinies and such, but if you fade into the background and just drink rum and hang with monkeys it’s a pretty good gig. Kinda like communism**
Sit-Down Comedian – Get it? Instead of “Stand-Up” I would sit-down and tell jokes. All my jokes would be like this joke, too. It would be great.
30 Rock Writer – This is actually my dream job, to write for the show 30 Rock, but like all dreams I’m sure it would end with a flag-football game against a bunch of zombies where no one wins and our side, the human prisoners, are forced to create an elaborate plan during a huddle that involves a treacherous escape via zip-line.
*I kept trying to change the ‘a’ to an ‘e’ because I couldn’t figure out what part of this word spellchecker thought was wrong.
**I don’t know anything about communism, I just think it’s a funny word.