The Best Store in Philadelphia

Brilliance is brilliant.

Ice Age Jewelry for the New Age may be the most original jewelry store concept in the history of the world. It would be number two if my idea for a jewelry store owned and operated by only Jews called “Jew-elry” wasn’t too progressive to get a loan from all those anti-Semitic banks that dominate the financial world, but I digress.

Without going inside I can only assume that Ice Age Jewelry for the New Age (IAJNA) is a store focused entirely on luxurious gifts creatively informed by the Pleistocene period of pre-history. I would have gone inside but I know paleontologists can be really pushy when it comes to selling stuff. As you can imagine not going in was literally* the hardest decision I’ve ever made.

Why so difficult you ask? Because I’m sure I was missing out on all kinds of kick-ass stuff like miniature white-gold spears ruby-tipped with Mammoth blood, sterling silver hand tools suitable for a center piece or the removal of hides, platinum fronts and these bad boys:

Bling blang blung.

Not only is the concept so novel I’d like to write a novel about it and the stuff so kick-ass I feel like I got beat up anytime I think about it for more than six seconds, but it’s literally the best name of a store ever. Ice Age Jewelry For the New Age doesn’t just reach back to the past for brain-buckets of inspiration, it reaches into the future and makes sure we’re not just ready for tomorrow, but we’re properly iced out when we get there.

Don’t even get me started on the sign. It’s literally ridiculously adverbially amazing. The letters are covered in frost, making them literally cool. Plus it’s a lot of words which in my book is the same as one really big word which in everyone’s book means smart. And they painted their sign over the pre-existing sign, a final aesthetic decision that solidifies their ideological fusing of past and present. That’s it, it’s settled, I’m going back and buying something that will literally freeze my hand when I touch it.

*You may have noticed that I used the word literally a lot. I literally think ‘literally’ is the most overused word in America right now and during the course of this post I think I proved my point. Literally.


5 responses to “The Best Store in Philadelphia

  1. Wow. Where the hell is this place?? By the by, I was starting to get worried for you about the “literally” thing. Glad you cleared that up at the end.

  2. It’s on Market Street around like 11th. I would have put a link but it doesn’t show up on Google Maps because it’s so iced out Google’s thermal satellites can’t find a heat signal.

  3. So I guess thermal scopes are useless against it.

  4. Don’t walk into Ice Age empty handed. Call “Mo Money Taxes” and get what you deserve.

  5. Pingback: The Things I’ve Accomplished While Unemployed « I Have Every Day Off

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