28 is the New ?

You often hear old people who are wearing fake tans, unnecessary jewelry or blue-tooth earpieces say, “Forty is the new thirty.” Because I believe everything I hear these people say, because their youth in age belies an obvious intellectual prowess and experiential insight, I’m left to wonder, as I’m about to turn twenty-eight, what new age twenty-eight is?

I was tempted to do the simple math and subtract ten from twenty-eight and say twenty-eight is the new eighteen but that didn’t seem right. I then remembered algebra and just as quickly remembered I forgot how to do algebra*. After contacting a friend who does math a lot I was informed that using the proportions of the 40/30 thing, twenty-eight is actually the new twenty-one.

What does this mean? It means that because of advances in medical technology and an average life expectancy that is reaching toward the century mark, twenty-eight shouldn’t mean twenty-eight anymore. Just like one dog year equals seven human years, one human year shouldn’t equal exactly one human year anymore. We need a recalibration of time and age as a whole.

Now, since I can’t even do basic algebra, I’m probably not the right guy for the job. But I can help in the meantime by regressing to my twenty-one year-old self. I’ll have to stop saying, “I don’t know” when I don’t know something and I’ll need to start watching 3-5 movies per day again and I’ll have to get back in the habit of buying beer by the pitcher. Nothing would really change “career-wise”, although I’d probably need to get a part-time job as a bartender so I could quit it before the first day so as to not miss a party I wanted to attend.

It’s either that or I try and convince people that I’m not really twenty-eight by the standards of twenty-eight when twenty-eight was first conceptualized some other way. Or that age is meaningless. The lazy-know-it-all-somewhat-of-an-a-hole plan just seems easier for some reason.

*While I will concede that knowing algebra would have been helpful in this instance, I still think the public school system as a whole owes me a few dozen hours for all that time I wasted learning cursive.


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