I’d explain the rest of my drive yesterday at length, but why waste valuable time and words when all I really need to say to cover it is, “fourteen hours of dirty gas station bathrooms”? Instead I’ll jump to more important matters. It’s been brought to my attention by the miniature robot penguin lawyer that travels with me wherever I go that according to the FTC Blogger Disclosure Rules, as a blogger, I’m obligated to tell you that I’m being compensated by Bud Light (I’m staying in a free room with a friend who’s here for work, going to free parties, drinking free beer, being paid billions of dollars, being told the meaning of life, etc.) and that this could skew or bias what I write for the week.
Despite my compliance with best practices and such, I would like to assure you, dear reader, that I will personally be unbiased by the aforesaid compensation. To prove the unshakable balance of my experiential keel, allow me to catch you up on last night’s goings on. As I mentioned before, I’m staying with a friend at the Bud Light Hotel. Based on last night alone I can comfortably say that Bud Light isn’t just the best beer of all time, but is probably the best thing in the history of the universe. If I only had three seconds left to live and was given the choice between complete and total enlightenment and a Bud Light, I’d go Bud Light.
I could write for hours about why last night was so amazing, I could tell you every single detail, like while I watched Flo-Rida rap I was pretty sure that I was staring into the sweat-drenched face of infinity. But the best way to make you understand the depth of amazement in my evening is probably to list my seven favorite things from last night:
1. Bud Light
2. Bud Light
3. Bud Light
4. Bud Heavy**
5. Bud Light
6. Bud Light
7. Bud Light
I’d continue to elaborate, but I have to spend the next so many hours getting ready to celebrate my birthday. Maybe I’ll catch you up on how it was tomorrow. If not feel free to contact my lawyer (my Dad) for plenty of FTC approved updates.***
*I guess if I’m disclosing everything I should tell you I’ve been to Mexican prison and I’ve only voted once.
**My friends from home coined this term for regular Budweiser and I still love it.
**My Dad will be taking over my twitter account from now on and only updating with things Confucius has said. You’re welcome.