Day 5: Beach-Business/I UFC-You

Click, click, click.

Being that it was the first nice day since we got here, yesterday we Beached it. Matthew had work to do, which is why we staged the picture at the top of the post to make it look like he was doing work. In actuality, he was searching for pictures of people working on the beach to use as a visual reference for me before I took the picture. While he “worked”, I, assuming I’d written down enough adjectives to describe the experience later, decided to test the waves.

For some reason I always remember this picture from when I was a kid of all the sharks in Florida just beyond where the people are, like a helicopter fly-by that makes the razor-toothed beasts look like an endless row of famished fatty’s waiting for the buffet to open. It was this mental daguerreotype that made me not mind the sidling approach of a 300 pound, well-bronzed tuna in a Speedo. I know that his uncomfortably shiny body would glimmer like a sockeyes scales and his bodysurfing form would mimic a fish’s flight.

When I finally made my back to shore, I’d been in just long enough to get a slight facial burn, the sort that makes a person look like they went tanning at the last minute and stayed in a bit too long, which was exactly the look I was going for. Not because I want people to think I’m into tanning or planning or any other gerund, but because last night we were headed to a UFC Exhibition, and I know that a slight cherry tomato hue on the cheek and peely little piece of nose skin is an intimidating UFC-appropriate look. See:


Going into last night’s event (lots more pics here), I knew very little about UFC. I thought that the Ultimate Fighting Championship was when the Ultimate Warrior took on all comers in a no-holds-barred four day death match that ended with the crowning of a new Ultimate Warrior, the sort of endless battle cycle that determined new kings and dominions in the days of yore. UFC, it turns out, is a highly skilled and incredibly technical brand of fisticuffs. Sure it’s rough and tumble, there are knock-outs and take-downs and power-slams and more blood, sweat and tears than a Blood, Sweat and Tears Reunion Tour, but it was the amount of craft that was impressive. These guys aren’t just heavily muscled killing machines, they are heavily muscled killing machines who combine multiple forms of martial arts, kind of like if you mixed a dragon, a monkey, a cheetah, a furious penguin, a bear, a shark, a praying mantis, a non-religious mantis, a robot, a doctor, an eagle, Don Henley and a tiger:


Speaking of visual segues, Matthew actually had an extra lanyard, and aside from loving the word lanyard because it’s so fun to say, it allowed me to go up into the cabana area and hang around a bunch of UFC fighter’s. Being around that many finely tuned head-cracking machines could have been scary for a 5’8″ 142 lb dude who likes hugs, but I played the following intro video for every fighter I met and before long, it was they who were scared of me: My UFC Intimidation Video

Tonight is the Hooters Pool party, which I’m really excited about, being a fan of Owls in general. For now I’m heading back to the beach to see if I can’t even out this partial sun burn with some more sun. Wish me luck.


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