Why Canada Will One Day Buy the U.S.


It came to my attention last night during the opening ceremonies for the Winter Olympics in Vancouver that Canada’s economy will soon grow to the point that they can purchase the United States, cash on hand. This may sound like the insane ramblings of a psychopath, some kind of theoretical boondogglery manifested in the mind of a madman on par with the great crazies of our time, Dr. Chaos from Sonic the Hedgehog, Fred Durst and that Shaw-Wow guy. But let me assure you, dear reader, the foundations of my claim are sound, rooted in a not so radical theory I call “The Promulgation of Perpetual Wealth through Performance Art.”

For years the Canadian economy has grown, fueled by the rising cost of maple syrup, Canada’s limited view of the value of human life and Canadian economists’ ability to quantify ‘comedy’ as a commodity and tax it’s export. When I was a kid you could go to Canada with a five and come back draped in the richest beaver pelts, belly swollen with thinly cut ham, sitting atop a pile of autographed Rush records as one of The Kids in the Hall carried you the whole way home on a rickshaw.

Today, our dollars are worth no more than theirs, and are about to be virtually worthless when traveling north, because of my aforementioned theory. When the Olympics come to a country it is always a windfall, but for Canada it’s going to change everything, and here’s why. I’m not sure if you saw last night’s opening ceremonies, but they employed hundreds of performances artists. These usually unemployed and highly flexible human quandaries tend to live off a pittance, no more than their parents, grandparents and temp agencies can provide. After last nights thirty million dollar production, that’s all about to change.

The performance artist’s of Canada will now be thousandaires, funneling hundreds into first-time bank accounts and fabric shops all over the great white north. This influx of unexpected cash into the local banks of our neighbor will allow them to make high-risk loans on long-shot businesses, seeing as how the new deposits are completely unexpected and as such, should be played with accordingly. Out of these high-risk loans on crazy ideas, the odds dictate one will succeed. The odds also dictate that the one that succeeds will be a product everyone in the world needs, like a bigger ketchup packet or teleportation. Their world-changing invention in hand, the Canadian’s will enjoy a sudden shot of growth that allows them to invest heavily in floundering American dinosaurs and also some of our corporations, all while their stocks are low. Before long Canada will own most of America’s biggest companies, right as everything starts to turn around. Playing off our overactive sense of pride, the Canadians will sell back our companies to us at a premium, making enough cash to turn around, just as we think we’re back on our feet, and buy our whole country, with cash money.

How do we stop it? The only way is to start paying our own performance artists whenever we can. See a street mime? Give him a ten. Three weirdos building a human tree? Drop a twenty on them. It may seem like a waste now, but trust me, your grandchildren will thank you.


One response to “Why Canada Will One Day Buy the U.S.

  1. It’s Shamwow, not shaw-wow. Shamwow! Like it’s a sham, but wow!

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