I was proud to become a fan of the facebook page that sought to get more fans for a pickle than Nickelback. I wasn’t proud to join simply because I hate Nickelback. Sure I think they are terrible succubi that play an almost brilliantly homogenized form of one-note ear-poo, sure I think if suspected terrorists had been subjected to the torture of a night listening to nothing but the Nickel none of us would have ever heard of water-boarding, but I’d hate if there were no Nickelback. Without Chad Kroeger and the guys not named Chad Kroeger in the band, the world would be missing something.
I’m not worried about the world missing out on Nickelback’s stealing of the title of Douchiest Rock Band from Creed. I wouldn’t really care if Creed was accepted as the all-time douchiest band in the history of the universe and I’m sure there are some among you that believe they are. I wouldn’t even be able to form a logical argument as to why Nickelback is worse than Creed, it would be like a non-endocrinologist trying to compare two spleens. The reason I love Nickelback is because they know who they are. The fact that Chad Kroeger is actively reacting to a pickle outpacing his band’s popularity shows that the central concern of his band is popularity. They aren’t interested in music, they’re interested in nothing but appealing to whoever they can, and doing so at a higher rate than a classic deli sandwich accompaniment.
What I love about Nickelback is their honesty. I’d go as far as to say they might be the most honest band in America. While the Creeds and Three Doors Down try and compete on some sliding scale of musical suck, Nickelback knows they’re competing on no sonic stage, Nickelback knows their art exists outside the plane of expression, they know their music is comparable only to underdeveloped cucumbers mass-produced and vacuumed packed in a vinegar based brine. And that, my friends, is as refreshing as a kosher dill after a turkey club.