How Pie Changed the World

This Pi Day, instead of completing my normal Pi Ritual, eating an entire Apple Pie while watching the movie Pi and sending nonsensical three hundred and fourteen word e-mails to Bradford Hovinen, my neighbor growing up and the only person I’ve ever known that had large portions of Pi memorized, I’ve decided to do something productive. No I’m not going to make a list of natural ways to work the word ‘goose’ into everyday conversation, you silly goose you. I’m going to tell you the story of how Pie changed the world.

Sure Pi is, in mathematical terms, irrational and transcendental, like Bodhi in Point Break. And yes, Pi the number is at the center of important modern engineering marvels, like bridges and tunnels and even chunnels, but Pie the dessert is at the center of so much more. Long before Twin Peaks sent hordes of weirded out TV watchers to cliff-side lodges and struggling diners to consume all they could of the layered confection, Pie was changing the course of human events in far more dramatic ways.

Pie was first invented when the Aztecs and the Toltecs defeated the Incans and the Mayans in a coffee growing contest sponsored by the first Starbucks, which was, at the time, called Starbucks. Upon their defeat the Incan/Mayan team offered up a whole slew of virgins for the slaughter, as was their way, being that virgins were in abundance since both the Incans and Mayans had intimacy issues. The Aztec/Toltec team, not really being in the mood for a mass sacrifice because they’d skipped breakfast, declined, and requested the losers bake them a layered dessert. Four days later the Incans and Mayans returned with the first pie in history, a slightly overdone Mango-Papaya mix with a nice graham cracker crust. All four sides enjoyed the delectable dessert so much that they decided to destroy all their weapons and start a chain of bakeries and generally live in peaceful harmony.

A few weeks later the first Conquistadors arrived and conquered the now unarmed and generally full natives easily. No one knows what may have happened had the Incans, Mayans, Aztecs and Toltecs been able to fight back, but there’s a good chance that had that first pie never been made, the Spanish would have never conquered South America or returned with the massive piles of gold that led the Spanish Queen Rosie Perez III to give Columbus the ships he eventually took to the America we now call home. The End.

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