The Things I’ve Accomplished While Unemployed

Meta!

What would any blog chronicling a persons time unemployed be without a list of accomplishments made during the time a person has had a blog chronicling their experience? That said, here is a list of all the amazing things I’ve accomplished during my first six months of unemployment.

  1. I have sporadically written on a variety of subjects that a small subsection of the people that know me are interested in reading about – While it may be tempting for another person to keep a blog about being unemployed actually about that experience and not allow it to drift into the nether-realms of Store Name Reviews and Pitbull/Martin Luther King Analogies, I have resisted temptation and stayed true to my lack of form.
  2. I have shamelessly self-promoted – For a long time I imagined myself as the kind of person who would never litter their facebook and twitter with links to their own blog entries, I saw myself as above or beyond that sort of masturbatory exercise, but then I transcended my own transcendence and, like the Dalai Lama before me, assaulted everyone I know with mildly entertaining thoughts to support my own sense of self-importance.
  3. I have fallen back in love – Not with a person or writing or life or any of that crap. With video games. In hindsight, I can’t imagine why I ever left them. Sure I thought I’d outgrown them, needed to move on, learn about me before I could be with anybody, but I was all wrong. There’s really not that much to me, and all the time I’ve spent without them was a huge mistake. If I’ve learned anything it’s that time not wasted is sometimes wasted time.
  4. I’ve got to know the people at the grocery store – This was a goal, going into unemployment, to become one of those happy people that knows all the checkout folks. And I have. Sure I’ve had to crack forced jokes about hating the environment every time I forget my reusable bag and make up excuses to go every day, but being vaguely recognized by strangers is totally worth the crippling expenditure of daily organic fruit purchases.
  5. I went to the Super Bowl – Okay, well I didn’t go to the game. I went to where it was and drank and partied and generally cavorted for 10 magical days with my friend Matthew. I also got two separate e-mails asking if I was gay from friends who were following the trip because of the number of references to and pictures of my friend Matthew. As a straight man with really no sense of style, taste or culture, this was a huge accomplishment.
  6. I finished my second novel – Unlike my first novel, I actually think this one is fun to read. I haven’t found a publisher or agent yet, but who cares if anyone reads something you poured so much of your life into? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right…?
  7. I’ve accepted the reality of Jeff – I am kind of short, I’m not particularly cool, I enjoy compliments too much, I eat the same amount as a small Fijian family, I overanalyze things and simultaneously underanalyze them, I overcomplicate things and simultaneously undercomplicate them, I often define to edges of something only to show the middle, I don’t sleep enough, I spend too much time with books, I don’t worry enough about things, I often create criticisms of myself that are actually compliments, I do too much for charity and I place way to much emphasis on the grand uncertainty of the universe, and after the last six months, for the first time, I think I’m okay with all that.

What do I hope to accomplish in the next six months? I’d like to get okay with not out-accomplishing myself for one. Other than that, I guess I’ll figure it out as I go.

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3 responses to “The Things I’ve Accomplished While Unemployed

  1. Amazing:

    “As a straight man with really no sense of style, taste or culture, this was a huge accomplishment.”

  2. Sounds like you learned alot, but not too much.

  3. Consider planting quoted excerpts from your second novel in other people’s facebook profiles when you have access to their computers. Slowly but surely, the hype machine will churn its gears in your favor. I want to read it when it’s published!

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