Almost everyone knows that Cinco de Mayo is the annual celebration of the Mexican armies victory over the French in1862 at the Battle of Puebla. The reason we celebrate this holiday in far greater numbers than our Mexican brethren is because Americans have more Mexican pride than Mexicans do. This is often the case in nations around the world. The Japanese have way more Belgian pride than the Belgians do and the Finns pride in India is far greater than India’s pride in itself. What many of you may not know is that aside from the margaritas, Modelos and Arizona avoidance, Cinco de Mayo has a number of specific, regional traditions.
Haddonfield, NJ – Dave, Rick, Bob, Chazz and Other Dave all go to a Mexican restaurant and engorge themselves on a feast of cheese-covered pseudo-Mexican fare before celebrating at Tito Fuente’s with oversized margaritas and fish bowls of beer. As is the tradition, they throw bad compliments and bad jokes at an endless sea of inebriated girls and try to get as many numbers as they can, despite the fact they are all married. As is also the tradition, at the end of the night they all retire to Bob’s house and have large amounts of gay sex.
Portland, OR – Each year the townspeople pool whatever money they have saved in bottles, junk-drawers and milk-jugs and they hire Gallagher to do a live show in the middle of the city. At the end of the show, despite promises it wouldn’t happen this year, they dress up in watermelon suits and chase Gallagher around with over-sized sledgehammers.
Lancaster, PA – For unknown reasons, the Amish of Lancaster celebrate Cinco de Mayo by having an all night rave in a barn. They take large quantities of drugs and continue the party beyond the 5th until someone dies. When that happens, they burn the barn like nothing happen and raise another barn. Every five years an Amishman leaves the fold and writes a screenplay about this occurrence. Such a screenplay has yet to sell for unknown reasons.
Waukesha, WI – Each year Mike McDonnell goes to his local Five Guys and eats five burgers. He then drinks exactly five Mexican beers at a restaurant near his house. He goes home and watches The Big Lebowski five times before eating five spoonfuls of mayonnaise. He counts backwards from fifty-five and falls asleep. Mike doesn’t wake up until May 4th the next year, once again mystified by the random sequence he must complete in order to travel through time.
San Diego, CA – For one day only the entire population of San Diego rejects it’s Mexican influence and instead celebrates the small, but vocal population of Canadian immigrants. The roller-blading masses carry hockey sticks, the maple syrup runs like something not as thick as maple syrup and large groups dress up like their favorite John Candy character. Jack Gable from Delirious is a clear favorite.