Category Archives: History

Lesser Known Cinco de Mayo Traditions

Almost everyone knows that Cinco de Mayo is the annual celebration of the Mexican armies victory over the French in1862 at the Battle of Puebla. The reason we celebrate this holiday in far greater numbers than our Mexican brethren is because Americans have more Mexican pride than Mexicans do. This is often the case in nations around the world. The Japanese have way more Belgian pride than the Belgians do and the Finns pride in India is far greater than India’s pride in itself. What many of you may not know is that aside from the margaritas, Modelos and Arizona avoidance, Cinco de Mayo has a number of specific, regional traditions.

Haddonfield, NJ – Dave, Rick, Bob, Chazz and Other Dave all go to a Mexican restaurant and engorge themselves on a feast of cheese-covered pseudo-Mexican fare before celebrating at Tito Fuente’s with oversized margaritas and fish bowls of beer. As is the tradition, they throw bad compliments and bad jokes at an endless sea of inebriated girls and try to get as many numbers as they can, despite the fact they are all married. As is also the tradition, at the end of the night they all retire to Bob’s house and have large amounts of gay sex.

Portland, OR – Each year the townspeople pool whatever money they have saved in bottles, junk-drawers and milk-jugs and they hire Gallagher to do a live show in the middle of the city. At the end of the show, despite promises it wouldn’t happen this year, they dress up in watermelon suits and chase Gallagher around with over-sized sledgehammers.

Lancaster, PA – For unknown reasons, the Amish of Lancaster celebrate Cinco de Mayo by having an all night rave in a barn. They take large quantities of drugs and continue the party beyond the 5th until someone dies. When that happens, they burn the barn like nothing happen and raise another barn. Every five years an Amishman leaves the fold and writes a screenplay about this occurrence. Such a screenplay has yet to sell for unknown reasons.

Waukesha, WI – Each year Mike McDonnell goes to his local Five Guys and eats five burgers. He then drinks exactly five Mexican beers at a restaurant near his house. He goes home and watches The Big Lebowski five times before eating five spoonfuls of mayonnaise. He counts backwards from fifty-five and falls asleep. Mike doesn’t wake up until May 4th the next year, once again mystified by the random sequence he must complete in order to travel through time.

San Diego, CA – For one day only the entire population of San Diego rejects it’s Mexican influence and instead celebrates the small, but vocal population of Canadian immigrants. The roller-blading masses carry hockey sticks, the maple syrup runs like something not as thick as maple syrup and large groups dress up like their favorite John Candy character. Jack Gable from Delirious is a clear favorite.

How Pie Changed the World

This Pi Day, instead of completing my normal Pi Ritual, eating an entire Apple Pie while watching the movie Pi and sending nonsensical three hundred and fourteen word e-mails to Bradford Hovinen, my neighbor growing up and the only person I’ve ever known that had large portions of Pi memorized, I’ve decided to do something productive. No I’m not going to make a list of natural ways to work the word ‘goose’ into everyday conversation, you silly goose you. I’m going to tell you the story of how Pie changed the world.

Sure Pi is, in mathematical terms, irrational and transcendental, like Bodhi in Point Break. And yes, Pi the number is at the center of important modern engineering marvels, like bridges and tunnels and even chunnels, but Pie the dessert is at the center of so much more. Long before Twin Peaks sent hordes of weirded out TV watchers to cliff-side lodges and struggling diners to consume all they could of the layered confection, Pie was changing the course of human events in far more dramatic ways.

Pie was first invented when the Aztecs and the Toltecs defeated the Incans and the Mayans in a coffee growing contest sponsored by the first Starbucks, which was, at the time, called Starbucks. Upon their defeat the Incan/Mayan team offered up a whole slew of virgins for the slaughter, as was their way, being that virgins were in abundance since both the Incans and Mayans had intimacy issues. The Aztec/Toltec team, not really being in the mood for a mass sacrifice because they’d skipped breakfast, declined, and requested the losers bake them a layered dessert. Four days later the Incans and Mayans returned with the first pie in history, a slightly overdone Mango-Papaya mix with a nice graham cracker crust. All four sides enjoyed the delectable dessert so much that they decided to destroy all their weapons and start a chain of bakeries and generally live in peaceful harmony.

A few weeks later the first Conquistadors arrived and conquered the now unarmed and generally full natives easily. No one knows what may have happened had the Incans, Mayans, Aztecs and Toltecs been able to fight back, but there’s a good chance that had that first pie never been made, the Spanish would have never conquered South America or returned with the massive piles of gold that led the Spanish Queen Rosie Perez III to give Columbus the ships he eventually took to the America we now call home. The End.