I No Longer Have Everyday Off

The reason I haven’t written anything in this blog since May 5th is pretty simple and fairly obvious, I got a job. Around the time of my last entry is when my offer became official, making it impossible to write a blog about being unemployed without feeling like Balki Bartokomous in the episode of Perfect Strangers where he thinks he’s going to be a pop star but pulls the plug on his own career after realizing that they’ve dubbed out his voice with that of a much better singer, bringing him to an ethical crisis, an impasse of meaning, a…you get it, I’m obviously just trying to sound smart because this is the last entry in this blog until I become unemployed again and as such, I want the takeaway to be “Boy, he’s smart.” Because I worry about such things. Because I’m worried that I’m dumber than when I was born. Because I’m worried just getting older makes me dumber. Because I’m worried the endless digital distractions make it harder to concentrate than it used to be. Because I’m worried that the internet is changing the way I think, that it’s somehow fucking it up. Because I’m worried my thoughts will come slower some day even though I’ve tried hard to slow them down and shouldn’t be worried. Because I’m worried I’ll stop being funny. Because I’m worried I was never funny in the first place. Because I’m worried about writing about worrying, and who this might worry. Because I’m worried about what you think. Because…wait a second, why am I ending this on some weird serious note? This isn’t a serious blog. Let’s just pretend I never said any of the stuff I just said and instead end with this a high-five.

There, I feel better already.

Lesser Known Cinco de Mayo Traditions

Almost everyone knows that Cinco de Mayo is the annual celebration of the Mexican armies victory over the French in1862 at the Battle of Puebla. The reason we celebrate this holiday in far greater numbers than our Mexican brethren is because Americans have more Mexican pride than Mexicans do. This is often the case in nations around the world. The Japanese have way more Belgian pride than the Belgians do and the Finns pride in India is far greater than India’s pride in itself. What many of you may not know is that aside from the margaritas, Modelos and Arizona avoidance, Cinco de Mayo has a number of specific, regional traditions.

Haddonfield, NJ – Dave, Rick, Bob, Chazz and Other Dave all go to a Mexican restaurant and engorge themselves on a feast of cheese-covered pseudo-Mexican fare before celebrating at Tito Fuente’s with oversized margaritas and fish bowls of beer. As is the tradition, they throw bad compliments and bad jokes at an endless sea of inebriated girls and try to get as many numbers as they can, despite the fact they are all married. As is also the tradition, at the end of the night they all retire to Bob’s house and have large amounts of gay sex.

Portland, OR – Each year the townspeople pool whatever money they have saved in bottles, junk-drawers and milk-jugs and they hire Gallagher to do a live show in the middle of the city. At the end of the show, despite promises it wouldn’t happen this year, they dress up in watermelon suits and chase Gallagher around with over-sized sledgehammers.

Lancaster, PA – For unknown reasons, the Amish of Lancaster celebrate Cinco de Mayo by having an all night rave in a barn. They take large quantities of drugs and continue the party beyond the 5th until someone dies. When that happens, they burn the barn like nothing happen and raise another barn. Every five years an Amishman leaves the fold and writes a screenplay about this occurrence. Such a screenplay has yet to sell for unknown reasons.

Waukesha, WI – Each year Mike McDonnell goes to his local Five Guys and eats five burgers. He then drinks exactly five Mexican beers at a restaurant near his house. He goes home and watches The Big Lebowski five times before eating five spoonfuls of mayonnaise. He counts backwards from fifty-five and falls asleep. Mike doesn’t wake up until May 4th the next year, once again mystified by the random sequence he must complete in order to travel through time.

San Diego, CA – For one day only the entire population of San Diego rejects it’s Mexican influence and instead celebrates the small, but vocal population of Canadian immigrants. The roller-blading masses carry hockey sticks, the maple syrup runs like something not as thick as maple syrup and large groups dress up like their favorite John Candy character. Jack Gable from Delirious is a clear favorite.

Jeff’s 5-Step Business Plan

You Should Thank Me For Yelling At You

You!

I’m not sure if you realize this co-worker/friend/other guy on the bus or mutual acquaintance, but there’s a reason I yell certain points at you instead of simply discussing them. For one, I was able to surmise with my fearless logic and my brazen, possibly went to graduate school intellect, that whatever you were about to say was going to belie the force of my opinion, requiring I assert it even more powerfully. It’s exactly like when you can’t get something to work so you hit it twice as hard and then you get a new one.

That’s not the only reason. You probably don’t know this, because you know very little and haven’t read all the obscure articles from unnamed publications that I have and that I frequently reference during the making of any point, but the amount I get worked up over whatever the meaningless topic is at hand is directly proportional to my intelligence. It is also inversely proportional to your education, which obviously isn’t as complete as mine because of all sorts of reasons I don’t have the time to explain because I only know how to relate them using analogies related to Proust.

I am getting the sense from the fact that your attention is directed at someone or something else that you still don’t quite understand the reason I’m yelling at you about this subject everyone would just assume I let go. Believe me, I don’t want to yell at you about it. I hate yelling. That’s a big part of why I’m so unhappy, because people like you make me have to yell all the time because they try and say something besides what I’m saying. It’s a vicious cycle, like the one Ghost Rider rides.

To be honest, one day, you’ll thank me for yelling at you about this subject you are pretending to not care about at all and have repeatedly tried to change. Had Shakespeare not yelled at Kafka we wouldn’t call them quotation marks, we’d call them ‘says marks’, and we’d be confused all the time. Imagine it. “Did you hear that says-unsays ‘speech’ from our says-unsays ‘president’ about says-unsays ‘healthcare’?” The world would be devoid of sassy disapproval to say the very least.

To be honest again, I’m getting pretty mad because you haven’t thanked me for yelling at you yet during the course of my yelling. If you don’t thank me soon who knows what I’ll do.

April Fool’s

April O'Neil, Fools!

Every year my Grandmother tries to convince me my Mom is in the hospital in what has become an annual exercise in hilarious cruelty. Following in her footsteps, my Mom has started to try and zing me every year, but she usually tells me something impossible not to believe like, “I just ate breakfast (pause) no I didn’t, April Fool’s!”. In my mind that technique defeats the purpose of April Fool’s. The idea is to craft a story that might be otherwise unbelievable and get the gullible to travel down its road with you. Instead of continue an explanation, allow me to give you a few ideas for great April Fool’s jokes that illuminate my point.

1. Walk around all day with your hands behind your back like one of those old men that walks around with their hands behind their back for some reason until you finally cross paths with one of them. Pretend you are struggling then produce two, free hands and say, “I’ve broke the invisible shackles! AMISTAD!”

2. In the middle of the day, suddenly jump on all fours, run down the hallway of your place of employ barking like a dog and peeing on everything you see while ripping off your clothes and howling “Twwwiiiilllliiight.” Once you’ve got everyone’s attention, stand up and say, “April Fool’s, I’m actually a vampire.”

3. Talk in an Irish accent all day and convince everyone that you were hit in the head with a potato and it made you talk like that. At the end of the day, preferably nearby everyone you’ve told your story, have a hidden friend throw a potato at your head. When it hits you start talking normal again. Kill that friend to cover your tracks and never tell anyone anything.

4. Pick one of your friends who is married and pretend you hate them for an unexplained reason. Cut off communication for the next 5 years to the day, then show up wearing a t-shirt that says, “April Fool’s”. When they start to laugh, take that t-shirt off to reveal one beneath it that says “I slept with your wife.” Then take that one off and reveal one that says, “The 5 years of silence is unrelated”. Then give them a handshake.

5. Write a post on your blog, pretending it’s going to be a long list of funny stuff, then end it suddenly and without explanation.

Why Alcohol Gets Better With Age

Cheers!

People often talk about how good alcohol gets better with age, as if the booze is separated from the chaff by its ability to sit around in some dark, temperate place and not turn. I would be tempted to doubt this, but the fact that it’s also true when it comes to the consumption, that the older we get the better drinking gets, makes me a believer.

Sure the occasional libation is drastically improved as you get older because of a tendency to not power-chug it during a game called power-chug where by the winner is decided based on who chugs the most while standing on power lines yelling out movies starring Powers Boothe. Just kicking back with a few and some conversation is actually a lot of fun, and it comes with way fewer regrets. But when the former souse inside causes us to slip back into the foggy heads of yesteryears, succumbing to the siren songs of a shot-carrying waitress or the cheap promise of cheap thrills given by cheap beer, it’s still way better.

The hangovers may last three to nine times as long, the drunk dials are no longer answered, the dancing more of a clothesline sway and the fear of drunk tweeting ever-present, but a night with a few too many is still the best it’s ever been. Why, do you ask? Because as you get older, with each step away from the person you always tried to be, whether it was a carefully crafted character or just an unsure kid, you get a little closer to the unplanned one you’ve become.

The toasts aren’t dirty limericks, they’re about a friend finding out he’s going to be a father, the one-upmanship is more about one-liners and less about feats of extreme extremeness, there’s no social anxiety because there’s no pressing need to be social, the magical beer you buy a girl that will make her fall in love turns into an off-brand cocktail bought for you by a divorcee with awkwardly angular eyebrows and the stories you end up with are understated memories you’re glad to have instead of proof of awesome chapters you made yourself write.

Just like alcohol, life really is better when its a little more pure.

The Things I’ve Accomplished While Unemployed

Meta!

What would any blog chronicling a persons time unemployed be without a list of accomplishments made during the time a person has had a blog chronicling their experience? That said, here is a list of all the amazing things I’ve accomplished during my first six months of unemployment.

1. I have sporadically written on a variety of subjects that a small subsection of the people that know me are interested in reading about – While it may be tempting for another person to keep a blog about being unemployed actually about that experience and not allow it to drift into the nether-realms of Store Name Reviews and Pitbull/Martin Luther King Analogies, I have resisted temptation and stayed true to my lack of form.
2. I have shamelessly self-promoted – For a long time I imagined myself as the kind of person who would never litter their facebook and twitter with links to their own blog entries, I saw myself as above or beyond that sort of masturbatory exercise, but then I transcended my own transcendence and, like the Dalai Lama before me, assaulted everyone I know with mildly entertaining thoughts to support my own sense of self-importance.
3. I have fallen back in love – Not with a person or writing or life or any of that crap. With video games. In hindsight, I can’t imagine why I ever left them. Sure I thought I’d outgrown them, needed to move on, learn about me before I could be with anybody, but I was all wrong. There’s really not that much to me, and all the time I’ve spent without them was a huge mistake. If I’ve learned anything it’s that time not wasted is sometimes wasted time.
4. I’ve got to know the people at the grocery store – This was a goal, going into unemployment, to become one of those happy people that knows all the checkout folks. And I have. Sure I’ve had to crack forced jokes about hating the environment every time I forget my reusable bag and make up excuses to go every day, but being vaguely recognized by strangers is totally worth the crippling expenditure of daily organic fruit purchases.
5. I went to the Super Bowl – Okay, well I didn’t go to the game. I went to where it was and drank and partied and generally cavorted for 10 magical days with my friend Matthew. I also got two separate e-mails asking if I was gay from friends who were following the trip because of the number of references to and pictures of my friend Matthew. As a straight man with really no sense of style, taste or culture, this was a huge accomplishment.
6. I finished my second novel – Unlike my first novel, I actually think this one is fun to read. I haven’t found a publisher or agent yet, but who cares if anyone reads something you poured so much of your life into? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right…?
7. I’ve accepted the reality of Jeff – I am kind of short, I’m not particularly cool, I enjoy compliments too much, I eat the same amount as a small Fijian family, I overanalyze things and simultaneously underanalyze them, I overcomplicate things and simultaneously undercomplicate them, I often define to edges of something only to show the middle, I don’t sleep enough, I spend too much time with books, I don’t worry enough about things, I often create criticisms of myself that are actually compliments, I do too much for charity and I place way to much emphasis on the grand uncertainty of the universe, and after the last six months, for the first time, I think I’m okay with all that.

What do I hope to accomplish in the next six months? I’d like to get okay with not out-accomplishing myself for one. Other than that, I guess I’ll figure it out as I go.

How Pie Changed the World

This Pi Day, instead of completing my normal Pi Ritual, eating an entire Apple Pie while watching the movie Pi and sending nonsensical three hundred and fourteen word e-mails to Bradford Hovinen, my neighbor growing up and the only person I’ve ever known that had large portions of Pi memorized, I’ve decided to do something productive. No I’m not going to make a list of natural ways to work the word ‘goose’ into everyday conversation, you silly goose you. I’m going to tell you the story of how Pie changed the world.

Sure Pi is, in mathematical terms, irrational and transcendental, like Bodhi in Point Break. And yes, Pi the number is at the center of important modern engineering marvels, like bridges and tunnels and even chunnels, but Pie the dessert is at the center of so much more. Long before Twin Peaks sent hordes of weirded out TV watchers to cliff-side lodges and struggling diners to consume all they could of the layered confection, Pie was changing the course of human events in far more dramatic ways.

Pie was first invented when the Aztecs and the Toltecs defeated the Incans and the Mayans in a coffee growing contest sponsored by the first Starbucks, which was, at the time, called Starbucks. Upon their defeat the Incan/Mayan team offered up a whole slew of virgins for the slaughter, as was their way, being that virgins were in abundance since both the Incans and Mayans had intimacy issues. The Aztec/Toltec team, not really being in the mood for a mass sacrifice because they’d skipped breakfast, declined, and requested the losers bake them a layered dessert. Four days later the Incans and Mayans returned with the first pie in history, a slightly overdone Mango-Papaya mix with a nice graham cracker crust. All four sides enjoyed the delectable dessert so much that they decided to destroy all their weapons and start a chain of bakeries and generally live in peaceful harmony.

A few weeks later the first Conquistadors arrived and conquered the now unarmed and generally full natives easily. No one knows what may have happened had the Incans, Mayans, Aztecs and Toltecs been able to fight back, but there’s a good chance that had that first pie never been made, the Spanish would have never conquered South America or returned with the massive piles of gold that led the Spanish Queen Rosie Perez III to give Columbus the ships he eventually took to the America we now call home. The End.

A Brief History of the High Five

History!

I was recently sent a link to the BLHFL (Bud Light High Five League) by a friend who cannot wear wrist watches because of his compulsive propensity to connect palms. Apparently, the good people of Bud Light (who I am no longer compensated by) have decided to create a web-based competition that captures the best in high fives, double fives, double foot-fives, need for speeds, reverse slaps, flip backs, high-lows, low-highs, back agains, front agains, snap-dragons, open-pounds, sock-puppet hugs, thumblers, trifectas and palmies from around the world.

After doing a little research on the high five, I realized that while there is now a definitive home for the current state of the open-handed slap, there is no definitive bullet point record of the high five’s history. So, without further ado, I present…

A Brief History of the High Five

• 1278: Upon hearing that the Habsburgs’ have taken control of Austria, Rudolph I slaps the raised hand of a stranger then kills that stranger. Later, the movie Rudy is written about the birth of this influential European House, but is turned into a feel good football movie during extensive rewrites.
• 1849: The first prospector, Fuzzy Wiggins, discovers gold in California, but loses his arm to a bear on the way back to town. He hires a blacksmith to make him a golden arm, but runs out of gold and is left with his hand in the raised, open-palmed position, leading to a life full of fives.
• 1861: Having heard the story of a gold-armed man people travel to slap the hand of for good luck, President-elect Lincoln high fives his way from Philadelphia to Washington, D.C. for his inauguration.
• 1944: Franklin Delano Roosevelt high fives a 19 year-old Lenny Bruce after Bruce tells him the one and only joke about wheelchairs he’s ever heard and laughed at.
• 1945: Franklin Delano Roosevelt is asked by his wife to stop high fiving every person he meets on the street. FDR refuses and adds “High Fiving” as part of the Secret Service training.
• 1956: After a precipitous rise, the Low Five takes over as the preeminent form of casual, hand contact related greeting. Some believe it is a result of a general weakening in our countries shoulder strength because of Communism.
• 1968: JG Ballard writes a passionate letter to The New Yorker explaining the misappropriation of the high five as a form of hello. Ballard argues persuasively that high five’s be returned to their original intent as a celebratory gesture.
• 1974: People Magazine is launched to capture compelling high fives from around the world, but changes direction and becomes a home for meaningless lists after its founder is left hanging by an old friend during a softball game.
• 1988: Michael Jackson and Michael J. Fox and Michael Jordan work together to found the MJMJFMJHFFKF. Their plan to sell pictures of the three of them high-fiving to raise money for kids fails after their acronym is confused for a foundation that offers mining jobs to stutterers.
• 2009: Jason Marziani breaks the record for most high fives in an hour during the Philadelphia Brewer’s Bar Crawl.
• 2010: ???

Twenty-ten, much like the rest of the future, is wide open for all sorts of history making, high-five related and otherwise.

What I’ve Learned from Cereal

Stuff!

I’ve been going to the grocery store pretty much every day that I’ve been unemployed. It’s not that I’ve been eating any more, cooking more elaborate meals, or developing an awkward mid-century style friendship with the fish guy where I ask him about ‘the scallops’ and he tells me ‘they’re fresh’ and that’s all a backdoor metaphor for the overall state of affairs in the world, I just have more time.

My increased grocery store visitation has taught me a few things. It’s taught me that my pheromones, aside from attracting a random and incongruous group of women over the course of my life, give off another signal, one that tells old Jewish* women to push me out of the way in the produce section. It’s taught me that the group that buys the most gourmet cheese is not wives’ hosting dinner parties, but guys cooking for a date. It’s taught me that patchouli, despite all reason and logic in the world, is still worn by people and it’s taught me that less is almost always more.

I learned the last, and I believe most important grocery lesson, in the cereal aisle. There are so many options these days in the boxed breakfast section that mothers are instructed to tell their children not to try and see them all at once, fearing that any attempt at completely absorbing the immense selection will blind a child or render them dimple-less. And to what end? If anything, the number of cereal choices at the store make it harder to choose, and that’s probably the point. Somebody, somewhere, knows that if they can keep people trying to choose between Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Honey Nut Cheerios**, they won’t worry so much about all the decisions that are made for them.

*I can say this because I come from a long line of non-pushy Jews and because it’s true.

**This impossible decision prompted my post. It’s like choosing between two children in a burning house. Do you go with the smarter one or the better looking one?